Day after

Well as you can tell. I am still here. Sound body and mind. Yet I am at my ends wit again to see if it will happen in the morning. Sad part is that I work an different hours to most so it means that I will wake up alone and it's sad to say it. But it worries me like crazy. All I think about is what if. What if I wake up and something happens and that I can't get help of any sort. I'm alone. And will be for hours. Te phone will ring yet I might not be able to answer. Will they come to my house to see if I am here. Or just leave it because they just think I won't answer the phone as I may be busy. All this worry again over probably nothing. Yet it stresses the life out of me. It's almost 3:40am, it's dark in here as the curtains are drawn closed. Not because it looks better. I just can't stand the light to early. I find that if I wake to early it leads to me having and bad day of anxiousness. It can pass but it can also grow inside me. As I have said. I try to control it as best as I can. Fingers crossed I work it out and get another day. Another day that I try to get myself back to normality. But I hear what you say. Why is normality to us. Wake up, do 9 to 5, come home, eat, shower, watch soaps. To me it isn't. But to me I could opt for that choice for a while. Just to see if it really makes a difference. To some reading this will think that there are more important things in life. You're right. There is. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. I just need to face my daemons to be able to move on to help to make a change in someones life. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. E

3years later

Ok. This is a new start. Feel it's now time to start to share my experience of my misuse of "recreational drugs" it's been over three years now that I had stopped using coke and smoking dope. That life was full of ups and downs to the point I had no idea wht I was doing. I went from an everyday smoker of pot to and Friday coke head. Day after day, week after week my smoking habit started to die out as I was sniffing more and more to on some days I got to the point I just didn't want no more. At the time it felt great. Sniffing to get high. Smoking a little to come down. But it was horrid. On some days I just wantes to lock myself away. Not talk to no one at all. Not even my partner at the time. Looking back now. It wasn't big or cleaver what I did but I have had to learn the hard way. This blog will be about the after affect of the drug use and my everyday battle with "demons" please note. I never believe it till I started experiencing them for myself. I have been in and out of hospital over the years so much so. I know most nurses and doctors as if they was family. Please don't look at this as me trying to be an attention seeker. I want to educate otters or think of trying it or are doing it now. It's time to stop before it goes to far and you can't live as a normal person anymore.

Day after day I keep telling myself it's all in the mind. Nothing wrong with me. But after months and Years on drugs my body can't shut down. I wake to having panic attacks that are bought on just because my mind is working overtime while my body rests. At first I couldn't control them but over time I have worked out how to control the small ones. But when I have a massive panic attack to the point I am gonna pass out. That is the ones I can't control. Medication from the doctor help to reduce them but they still happen. And it can be anywhere at anytime. No warning. It just happens. I hate it. The pain it causes in my chest isn't good while it happens. It goes chest, arm and neck. The pain I can't bare. And what comes to mind right away. You know. Heart attack. One of the countries biggest killers. It's a mind f@@k. Next thing is the headaches from the meds bein taken. It can last or days to weeks sometimes even months. Doctors says it normal. I disagree. But what do I know. I didn't do 7 years in med school. But I do know I have spent many months looking for answers. Maybe a bad thing on the net as there are so many site with such misleading information. I will say don't google it. Just see the doctor. Next thing going on is the warm
Water feeling that I have been getting just om the left side of my head. Again. It's normal or start of a migrain. Trust me it's not. I had many as a child to know it isn't one. But no 7 years med for me. Last night. I got into bed. Probably took me something like 1 hour to drop off. Next thing its morning. I have to get up but choose not to right away. Dropped off. And Bang. Felt like I had been smacked on the left side of my head by a heavy object. Woke me right up to the point I lept put of my bed expecting someone had broken in and hit me. I look around and nothing to be found. It's been on my mind all day and ruined any social life I had planned for the weekend. Hypo maybe. I'm not sure. Something isn't right in There. I know it. Now I am affraid to even close my eyes. Not because I am worried about dying. I made that peace months ago. In my head I'm settled and am trying not to worry about it. Mental you say. Maybe that too. But this all stemed from drug use. Oh I forgot to mention up there how I got this way. One bad line of something that I bought. Unlucky for me I know. It happens. But do you really know what it is you're getting. You think you do. But really you don't. An that's all it took for me to be this way. This is just a peace of my life after the drugs. I will come back tomorrow and update this about the head bang thing. See if I get a
Repeat. Fingers crossed I don't. I don't know how much more I could possably take before I completely crack up.